


This Is A Good Thing

by petalSpitter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Character Death, Gen, I wrote this in two hours as a warm up, Minor Character Death, not tonight, so it sucks, take it anyway, takes place in some nebulous AU where this all makes sense, usuaully im great at making characters in character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 03:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15597606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petalSpitter/pseuds/petalSpitter
Summary: Really, this is a great way to feed your pet beetles.





	This Is A Good Thing

"This is a good thing, mushroom man. This is good for us. This is good for your ah-- your children." Caleb’s heart hammered in his chest as he looked down the moonlit street where dozens of carriages sat waiting behind a subdued gala.

“If you say so, Mr. Caleb.” Caduceus smiled blithely as a couple beetles crawled up the jar he'd stuffed them in, their legs tickling his bare hands like a thousand tiny kisses. “You shouldn’t have told them so early, they’ve been antsy all night...” He kissed one that was crawling over his knuckles and sent them back into the jar.

“I thought they were beetles?”

Caduceus paused, holding one of his pets up to the light, then nodding in satisfaction as he confirmed they were, in fact, beetles and not ants.

“Put your hand down! They’re coming.” Caleb leaned out of the alleyway, his chest growing tight as a pair of carriage hands came close. “Now.”

Caleb and Caduceus peeled out of the darkness, the lantern light dancing on the brass buttons of their stolen uniforms and polymorphed faces as they came up to the similarly dressed teens.

“Hey!” Caleb shouted, stopping the duo in their tracks. “The shift schedule changed, we’re on tonight and you’re on the morning shift.”  
  
One of the teens scoffed, glaring at Caleb. “Seriously?! That’s the third time this week they’ve switched on us!”

“Don’t sweat it, Mirae.” The other teen said, then threw their arm around the first one’s shoulders. “Since we’re already up, why not catch a show?” They looked up at taller teen and smiled, then spun them both around and began marching away.

“That was smooth,” Caduceus said as they started towards the carriages.

“It should be. I’ve been studying the shift schedule for a week.”

“A week? All so you can get me here tonight?”

“When in the city, there’s no such thing as overprepared. Do you have the second dose on hand?” Caleb climbed up to the driver’s seat of the carriage, trembling as he took the reins and tried to copy the posture of the usual driver. Fjord would've been so much better at this but Caleb refused to pull in the rest of the group. Cadeusus was perfect for this job and tonight was the perfect moment.

“Right here.” Caduceus patted his hip as he stepped into place, folding his hands behind his back and holding his chin up like they’d practiced while the others slept or shopped.

“Good. This is good. This is going well.” Caleb kept on repeating those words as the hours ticked by. The ball in the sprawling building beside them kept thrumming along as the rich and famous and important danced and drank themselves into stupors, stumbling to their carriages one by one as the moon crawled across the sky. Around the third hour, Caleb began to worry. Trent had yet to show up and only a few waiting carriages remained. Caduceus had done his best to play the part of a perfectly trained footman but his posture was continually slipping out of place until he jerked back to attention.

Had Trent found them out? Where did Caleb make a mistake? Had he already formed a counterplan? Was there already a regiment circling around them? Gods damn it, Trent was right. Caleb shouldn’t be allowed to simmer. He got sloppy when he sat down and thought. He was supposed to make a plan, execute it, and _not think_ after that. He had a bad habit of second-guessing himself and rewriting the entire thing halfway through and forgetting to tell anyone and-

“Razitof. Look sharp.” Caduceus’ melodious tones and the false name finally broke the silence and Caleb snapped to attention, looking straight ahead as he listened for Trent’s footsteps- Trent’s footsteps, and those of a few friends.

“...and that’s why I ended up sending that student home,” Trent said, his voice sending familiar chills up Caleb’s spine.

“What a waste of good talent. He sounds like he could’ve been a dazzling sorcerer, if only he had a little more discipline.” A female voice said, her artificial accent sliding off the edges of her words.

“We’re already patching up our selection process, this fluke won’t happen again.” The carriage door creaked open as a disguised Caduceus opened it, bowing his head to Trent in a perfect gesture of respect. (He and Caleb had practiced for hours on an inn door, confusing the hell out of the owner one floor below.)  
  
“Good night, Ms. Faston.” The carriage shifted to one side as Trent finally climbed in, the door closing with a soft thud. It groaned again as Cadeusu climbed on the back and Caleb cracked the reins, rousing the horses to action.

Caleb and Caduceus had walked this route a dozen times with and without their friends in tow. Caduceus tended to simply soak in the sunlight and admired the flora while Caleb had been keeping his ears pricked ever since he'd heard of the gala, mentally writing down any spots that were particularly rowdy or isolated. Seven blocks from now was a bridge, three blocks from there was a street of taverns and theatres.

No one would ever hear his screams.

Caduceus looked up at the stars as the wind whipped his stolen tailcoats, his children impatiently buzzing at his side. He patted them and whispered a reassurance, then looked to Caleb. “Soon, my loves. I know how excited you are.”

“What was that?” Trent twisted in his seat, glaring at Caduceus through the carriage window.

“Awful cloud cover tonight, isn’t there?” Caleb said aloud as they neared the bridge, the looming shadows welcoming them closer.

“Awful.” Caduceus replied, nonchalantly pulling out the jar and throwing it into the carriage, slamming the window cover shut as Trent shouted in confusion.

Caleb snapped the reins again, trying to zero in on the sound of hooves on cobble and the thump of wheels on stone as the space behind him began to trash and fill with screams. Anxiety smacked into him like a wave as Trent’s voice leaked through the wood, the fear and begging in the man’s voice completely alien to him. This was wrong. He’d made a mistake. They were going to be found out somehow, he just knew it- This was a bad plan. This was going to doom him somehow, he could feel it. He still couldn’t believe he was doing this. He was-

“Razitof.” Caduceus knocked on the carriage roof to get Caleb’s attention. “Don’t forget to turn right.”

“Of course.”  
  
“You forgot to turn right.”

“Sorry... Stuck in my own head.”

Caduceus hummed a lazy reply, going back to staring at the stars as Caleb corrected their course towards Trent’s manor.

They moved like dancers from the second the carriage stopped, practically gliding one step of the plan to the next: Collect the beetles. Hide in the gardener’s shed. Take the second dose of polymorph potion. Change clothes. Burn their old ones. Scatter the ashes. Walk away in beggar’s clothes with no one the wiser.

* * *

  
Caduceus didn't break the silence until they were a couple of blocks from the inn the rest of The Mighty Nein had settled into. “Caleb?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Do city people always make such elaborate schemes to feed their pets?”

“...Yes. It ah- mimics the difficulty in nature, to make up for how easy life is in captivity.”

“Really? Could’ve sworn I saw a store selling bug food in little bags...” He paused and smiled at one of his pets, kissing them on the head and pulling back with a tiny bite on his lip.

“That’s for lazy people who want lazy beetles.”

“Ah, I see. And lazy beetles would be useless in a fight.”

“Ex-Exactly. You need ah- mean beetles. So they can help us all in a fight.”

“I think they’ll be downright evil after the meal they had.” Caleb could’ve sworn Caduceus winked at him before the lichen on the walls caught his attention.

 


End file.
